I love it when PR folks send out links and for the latest idiot workout. It makes my day and then some. And the Baywatch Beach Body Workout is one of the more especially horrifically crap things to come through my inbox of late, so I’m pleased to share with you why I think this ought to be filed under a new category “vomit.” Have I watched it? Nah. This is all based on the lame ass clip, but having half the information is like, my way of life. Next week we’ll talk about the Ab Circle 360, which is perhaps the dumbest piece of exercise equipment I’ve seen this year. Now, back to Baywatch…
1. You can’t have Baywatch without the Hoff. Period. It cannot be done.
2. I find it very hard to imagine that there is some revolutionary fitness gem hidden in the Baywatch Beach Body Workout, otherwise they wouldn’t need the cheesy Baywatch theme to sell what appears to be a highly unoriginal and ordinary workout tape. Go vintage Jane Fonda if you like that shit. At least she had better hair.
3. After invoking the Great Mother Jane, I would like to add that when you watch a fitness video, you’d like to think that the participants actually got their bodies doing the exercises they are trying to sell you. Now, I heard Jane has confessed that an eating disorder was part of the secret to her aerobic success, so maybe we don’t always get to see the truth behind the physique. Likewise, I think we all get that it wasn’t serious pec routine that made these exercises have to accommodate some very pronounced mammaries. (They ought to theme the workout that way, “How to exercise around your massive surgically-created boobies”.) Now, I don’t care if you had implants or not at all (though these border on freakishly big) but these people do not look like they spend hours at the gym. Mr. Man in the video looks like he spends hours oiling up his abs. Nobody has stellar muscle tone.
4. Of course, this is not marketed as a fitness video. It is basically marketed as a masturbation…er, self-love video. You know, like they’d play this crap on the big screen TV at the frat house while the dudes get, um, erections, and hit the beer bong that then kills the aforementioned situation. Well, there is a great invention I have to tell you about: It’s called porn. In porn, the people don’t just sweat on a beach doing leg lifts and ab curls, they actually take their clothes off and sometimes put interesting other things on and ultimately do unspeakable things and it’s sooooo much more effective than the Baywatch workout.
5. For the record, I detest that wide-eyed, sex kitten, “I’m not very bright tee hee” thing. Stupid is not hot. It is unhot. That goes equally for men and women.
Oh, maybe they’ll send me a promo review copy. Hmmm, I wonder if I’ll lose this edge if I eat a cupcake…