Maybe it’s just human nature to want maximum results with minimal effort, but what I usually tell people is the more succinct, “I’m lazy.”

There is a part of me that doesn’t actually want to work out at all. However, if you are a regular exerciser (I don’t know many of those) and you worry about motivation, I highly recommend injuring your lower back/hip so you can’t work out for a while. You will come to wistfully remember just two weeks ago when you were not completely batshit insane and could run without a care in the world.

I digress. I meant to say that I don’t want to spend 600 thousand hours in the gym doing some crazy ass rubber band workout like Gwyneth or any other underweight blonde. I don’t have that kind of time. So I have been taught a few strategies for getting the most out of my workouts. One is to do exercises that incorporate multiple muscle groups at once. (This is all that free weight and functional fitness gospel stuff, though you shouldn’t look to me for any preaching, I’m too self-absorbed to be converting anyone.)

And another strategy is to find ways to push myself — to pick up big weights. Biggest I can find. If I choose the gigantic dumbbell or barbell or whatever, then I know I will probably be exerting myself, rather than kicking back and dinking out my reps. But there is a problem here, and so I have to raise my hand and say,

“My name is Sherika and I am a the ninja in the corner doing curls with the 20 pound weights.”

(Psst! Now you all say, “Hi Sherika!”)

What I mean is that I can get so caught up in using the gigantic-est weight I can lift that I sometimes mess up in other areas. Generally this is a disease that afflicts a lot of guys, and women tend to not use enough weight to get strength training results. But obviously there can be gender crossover, because I have this problem too.

What’s wrong with being a Sherika-ninja? Well, a couple things. For one, if you have an injury—like say, a back injury—and you decide to use the heaviest weight in the gym just because you are really broken in the head, you can end up with a messed up back to match.

But probably more relevant, there are times when a big weight means you also sacrifice other things, like form, and integrity. I get this when I watch someone crank out 72 pull ups, but they never fully extend their arms.

Truth is that you can make yourself work hard with less weight if you remain conscious of form (keep abs tight or back straight or whatever) and make sure you get full extensions and so on. You can also increase things like the speed of your reps to make everything a wee bit harder. So why wouldn’t I do that instead, and spare my body the possible injury? So glad you asked. Because 1) it takes more work mentally to practice full range of motion executed well, and 2) it’s way less showy than the big bulge of the heavier weight.

But the first step is admitting you have a problem, and so there, I said it. Now that I’ve been out of the game for a while, I want to stage my comeback by keeping the weight lighter but finding ways to kick my own ass with better, prettier reps. Wish me luck on that and hide the big dumbbells too, just to help me out.

As if.

As if you were sitting around asking just that question.

Boosting the metabolism is the holy grail of weight watchers everywhere, but how fast your body burns calories depends on several factors. Some people inherit a speedy metabolism. Not me, and my existent mini-muffin top is proof. Men tend to burn more calories than women, even while resting. And for most people, metabolism slows steadily after age 40. Although you can’t control your age, gender, or genetics, there are other ways to get a boost. Let me help you rev it up.

1. Build some muscle. Our bodies constantly burn calories, even when we’re doing nothing. This resting metabolic rate is much higher in people with more muscle. Every pound of muscle uses about 6 calories a day just to sustain itself, while each pound of fat burns only 2 calories daily. That small difference can add up over time. In addition, after a bout of resistance training, muscles are activated all over your body, increasing your average daily metabolic rate.

2. Kick your workout up a notch. Aerobic exercise may not build big muscles, but it can rev up your metabolism in the hours after a workout. The key is to push yourself. High-intensity exercise delivers a bigger, longer increase in resting metabolic rate than low- or moderate workouts. To get the benefits, try a more intense class at the gym or include short bursts of jogging during your regular walk.

3. Drink more water. The body needs water to process calories. If you are even mildly dehydrated, your metabolism may slow down. In one study, adults who drank eight or more glasses of water a day burned more calories than those who drank four. To stay hydrated, drink a glass of water or other unsweetened beverage before every meal and snack. In addition, try munching on fresh fruits and vegetables, which are full of fluid, rather than pretzels or chips.

4. Eat more often. Eating more really can help you lose weight — eating more often, that is. When you eat large meals with many hours in between, you train your metabolism to slow down. Having a small meal or snack every 3 to 4 hours keeps your metabolism cranking, so you burn more calories over the course of a day. Several studies have also shown that people who snack regularly eat less at meal time.

5. Eat more protein. The body burns up to twice as many calories digesting protein as it uses for fat or carbohydrates. Although you want to eat a balanced diet, replacing some carbs with lean, protein-rich foods can jump-start the metabolism at mealtime. Healthy sources of protein include lean beef and pork, fish, white meat chicken, tofu, nuts, beans, eggs, and low-fat dairy products.

1. Photographing my cats. Yes, I know — weird.

2. Flannel. Wear with clear heels and you will suddenly feel much sexier. Just don’t tell anyone.

3. Don’t diet. Ever. I hate “no”. I get rebellious, and I really don’t like challenging myself to stay away from Buttercup Bakery. I think the cookies must get lonely, begging for a belly to love them. The best part? Learning to love the badass exercise session the day after—a different kind of high that burns off the frosting and keeps me and my body in check. Plus, cupcakes makes me much nicer and easier for others to love me.

4. Getting up today, feeling achy, too tired to move. By evening, total running euphoria, muscles nice and pliable, thanks to exercise.

5. More Running. I covet being a gazelle, so running for speed and beating previous times/miles is important to my training. I continue to challenge myself by perfecting my stride, but my darn lower back can keep up. I still practice…being sweaty makes me feel good.

6. Walking around NYC with the confidence in your stride knowing that you strong enough to resist a push or pull.

What are your 6 things?

Jillian Michaels wants you to write down your weight loss goals. She needs to shut it.

For some reason, I’ve always been resistant to things like writing down goals because it feels so motivational speaker affirm-y to me, like I’m some 80’s go-getter in a power suit trying to scramble my way up the corporate ladder, or a New-Age-y lady in flowing pants determined to find my myself via the spirit of a monkey.

But I am open minded enough to see how writing down goals might be a very sensible thing to do, as it makes what you want more concrete in your mind and gives you some direction and all that. I just don’t get it when it comes to weight loss goals. And I don’t understand how it’s any different than say, your everyday to-do list.

Do you want to know what I never hear when I talk to fat person, a skinny person, a man or woman?

When I started exercising, back when I gained 20 pounds boozing my ass off, my list would have said this: Lose 20 pounds

When I lost the 20 pounds, I would make a new list and it would say: Lose 5 pounds

When I talk to someone that’s super thin about their exercise goals, I get this answer:
Lose weight

Like them, I didn’t give a sh*t about healthier or stronger. Those words were never in my vocabulary. I just wanted to wear my skinny-pants again. I wanted to lose weight.

So here we are, 7 years later. I got so much more out of exercise that “just weight loss”. The jiggles disappeared, I could run much faster, I was three times stronger, my muscles were defined, and I gained the baseline fitness level and confidence to try anything physical.

Listen, I love Julian, she is amazing at what she does. However, there is now a responsibility to our fatter-than-ever society: it’s not just about being thin, the other factors are way more important. Weight-loss should be a side product of exercise, not quite a goal.

From this day on, instead of starving yourself thin or getting your colon washed out with that crap they stick up there, try getting on the treadmill for half-hour. If you don’t feel better, email me and we can talk through it.

Marisa Miller is probably one of the examples of what keeps many personal trainers in business:

The never-ending quest to look like someone that others look up to (or just be someone that others look at for an awkwardly long period of time even though their girlfriend is jabbing them in the ribs). The truth is, personal trainers probably wouldn’t have the lucrative trade they have if it weren’t for girls like Marisa Miller. Sure, she has a sexy butt, beautiful face and amazing curves.

It would be completely acceptable if it weren’t for the way her beauty is warped into a tool by which personal trainers build their trade.

Here’s how the formula often goes in our younger, more impressionable years:

1) Girl sees other girl get attention.

2) Girl realizes that hotness is (A) relative to attention from boys and (B) envy of other girls.

3) Girl creates a vision of what she might want to look like – of which this vision is influenced by (A) the televised and print media, (B) the images that other boys look at and (C) an innocence of understanding the change that might be possible without genetic or surgical alteration.

Girl proceeds to visit personal trainer once or repeatedly, then irrelevant of professional advice but preferring that of Shape, Cosmo & other tabloid-oriented magazines begins to overexercise, skip meals and generally punish herself repeatedly for not looking like the girl in the picture (even though on rare occasion she might actually get there!)

Here’s where things get really scary:

What do the following supermodels all have in common?

Marisa Miller looks great here – what does she have in common with the other two models? Stay tuned!

This girl has a much more natural beauty about her…

Did you guess it yet?

So now let me ask you this:

Is it just me or do these three photos of Marisa Miller all make her look completely different than each other? Maybe the lips didn’t get fixed, but man oh man, tell me there wasn’t some serious Photoshop magic going on.

But I have to be honest, she is very thin and is blessed with maintaining her ‘upper torso circumference’. But without the photo magic she just looks… well, kinda thin: So why do personal trainers love her? Because she drives women crazy wanting to look like her (even though she admits herself that she doesn’t spend much time in the gym). But why do these personal trainers also hate her? Because the same women come in asking to look like her – which 90% takes more work than they are willing to do. It also sometimes is not genetically possible – there are always exceptions to the rule, but generally speaking, the rule is a rule for a reason.

Jessica Simpson?? Those guys are good…

I will save you the anguish and tell you that the butt on the left is real. I just wanted you to see how good these guys can be:

And then papa bear said… this Marisa Picture is photoshopped juuuust riiight.

Want to know what I want? I want someone to come in to see me and when I say ‘what are you looking for’?

My dream client would walk in and say this:

“I am looking to be as fit and healthy as I can possibly be”

But it would be striving to reach your potential – your own personal best and not anybody else’s.

Because the truth be told, maybe Marisa could look better… But it doesn’t matter if you can look as good (or better) than Marisa. It matters that you can look and feel and be healthier and fitter than yourself right now at this moment in time.

Think about that… What would it look like if you were to just focus on you – not any sisters or brothers or friends or role models or sports heroes or supermodels or non-existent airbrushed figments of some photographers imagination??

What if you compared yourself… to you?

What if you took the you right now as a starting point and tried to improve upon that?

With dedication and devotion, you might find that you gain not only change in a positive direction, but a feeling that can only be described as pride in ones self. Instead of shame for not looking like Marisa Miller.

I love it when PR folks send out links and for the latest idiot workout. It makes my day and then some. And the Baywatch Beach Body Workout is one of the more especially horrifically crap things to come through my inbox of late, so I’m pleased to share with you why I think this ought to be filed under a new category “vomit.” Have I watched it? Nah. This is all based on the lame ass clip, but having half the information is like, my way of life.  Next week we’ll talk about the Ab Circle 360, which is perhaps the dumbest piece of exercise equipment I’ve seen this year.  Now, back to Baywatch…

1. You can’t have Baywatch without the Hoff. Period. It cannot be done.

2. I find it very hard to imagine that there is some revolutionary fitness gem hidden in the Baywatch Beach Body Workout, otherwise they wouldn’t need the cheesy Baywatch theme to sell what appears to be a highly unoriginal and ordinary workout tape. Go vintage Jane Fonda if you like that shit. At least she had better hair.

3. After invoking the Great Mother Jane, I would like to add that when you watch a fitness video, you’d like to think that the participants actually got their bodies doing the exercises they are trying to sell you. Now, I heard Jane has confessed that an eating disorder was part of the secret to her aerobic success, so maybe we don’t always get to see the truth behind the physique. Likewise, I think we all get that it wasn’t serious pec routine that made these exercises have to accommodate some very pronounced mammaries. (They ought to theme the workout that way, “How to exercise around your massive surgically-created boobies”.) Now, I don’t care if you had implants or not at all (though these border on freakishly big) but these people do not look like they spend hours at the gym. Mr. Man in the video looks like he spends hours oiling up his abs. Nobody has stellar muscle tone.

4. Of course, this is not marketed as a fitness video. It is basically marketed as a masturbation…er, self-love video.   You know, like they’d play this crap on the big screen TV at the frat house while the dudes get, um,  erections, and hit the beer bong that then kills the aforementioned situation.  Well,  there is a great invention I have to tell you about: It’s called porn. In porn, the people don’t just sweat on a beach doing leg lifts and ab curls, they actually take their clothes off and sometimes put interesting other things on and ultimately do unspeakable things and it’s sooooo much more effective than the Baywatch workout.

5. For the record, I detest that wide-eyed, sex kitten, “I’m not very bright tee hee” thing. Stupid is not hot.  It is unhot.  That goes equally for men and women.

Oh, maybe they’ll send me a promo review copy. Hmmm, I wonder if I’ll lose this edge if I eat a cupcake…

I just ate a loaf of bread. Yes, the whole thing. I am rushing to my computer to type and tell you that incase you were considering doing it…don’t.

OK, on a more important note, let’s talk NY Times articles again. Did you catch this one on intervals? Rats get thrown in water, some swim for six hours a day, some are weighted (meaning extra intensity to the workouts) and thrown in for 20 second bursts with 10 seconds of rest for a total of four-and-a-half minutes of exercise. Both groups show the same molecular changes in increased muscle endurance. Moral: Short bursts (intervals!) of oh-god-I-wanna-die exercise may be as effective as long, sustained stretches of steady cardio. I keep saying it, intervals, intervals, intervals.

Here it is for you all to enjoy!

Can You Get Fit in Six Minutes a Week?

I wanted to discuss making workouts a priority, partly because I love repeating myself, but mostly because people actually ask me: do I really have to work out? Equinox said it best:

it’s not fitness, it’s life.

The only thing I’m mad about is that I wasn’t clever to think of that tag line first.

Okay, so I am generally very far behind on things I ought to do. Like work, and paying bills, saying nice things to my loved ones, and sleep, and so on. I end up managing my life by crisis, meaning I deal with whatever is on fire in front of me. And sometimes that means that I don’t have to workout because I have other important things to do.

Well, lemme tell you, I have discovered something very important. Namely: when I get enough sleep and exercise, I am more, not less, productive. I actually accomplish more in my life by getting the sweaty, sleepy bits covered. Now, you’d think that after proving this to myself 75 bajillion times I’d just have it down pat, but I have one of those brains that doesn’t retain things that are good for me. Bad things are encoded in the memory forever and ever, but details like, “You’ll feel lousy if you eat that whole bag of Cheetos” and “You’d better get a run in or you’ll wonder why you hate your life so much and why everyone is out to get you” slip through this fantastic filter and land somewhere on the floor where I can’t find them…

So I recently made this promise to myself to push the exercise up to fire status, meaning it gets done no matter what. Same with sleep, though I’m less good at doing that one still. Now here’s a shocking truth for you: I feel better and I’m more productive. Am I still way behind on everything? Oh yes. Do I feel somewhat more sane about that? Not really. But I generally feel better, and that’s important, because if I have to go through life feeling like shit every day I might as well crawl into a bag of Cheetos and cry myself silly.

Oh yeah, and sleep-exercise makes it easier to avoid foods that do me in. Easier, though I’m still largely unsuccessful. But when you love sugar like I do and you’d get down on your knees for a good piece of chocolate cake with extra frosting, everyone calls you easy anyway…

There’s all kinds of gear and videos and crap out there so you can exercise while you sit at home, exercise with your baby, exercise while you do the dishes, exercise while you have a heart-to-heart with your teen about the dangers of using crack, and so on. Some of it is fine, but most of it is totally stupid. To be perfectly honest, I think the optimal set-up is to exercise while you, um, work out. I mean, I get that we have busy lives and multi-task the hell out of everything all the time, so god forbid you have a spare moment when you aren’t doing three things simultaneously, but I really think giving something your full attention is meaningful.  And I think it generally means working out harder.

This is starting to sound both pro and con for one of my cardinal rules of fitness: SOMETHING IS BETTER THAN NOTHING. (All caps means it’s profound and important, or that I my pinky has a tic and I accidentally hit the all caps button. Or that I’m yelling. One of those.)  I use this rule when I have only twenty minutes and I start thinking, “Eh, forget it, I don’t have time to run.” Then I remember that even a short run does more for me than not running at all. It really helps me regularly, because I’m not very bright (you know, the whole college thing) and I tend to forget something as simple as this.

See, I’ve been to the gym and seen the lines of people on treadmills reading or staring at a TV or talking on the phone even, and I understand. Distraction lessens the pain. If it works for you, then good, do it. But I think it can potentially lessen the intensity of the workout. For me, I can do music and that’s about it.  I like being focused and intentional whenever possible for exercise.  I’m simple and easily distracted too, so I have to do it this way or I’ll find myself reading People and going, “Oh that Britney is such a wildcat” instead of say, sprinting. I also rarely work out when I’m training other people, aside from racing them or jogging alongside or doing a few spur-you-on reps. I’m not that good at splitting my attention, and obviously my first responsibility is to the person I’m training, I need to check form and be rah-rah or grrr-grrr or whatever, and I’m not so much doing that if I start feeling my own workout. Perhaps that will be my answer to the comment I get often, “It must be so great to be a trainer because you get to work out all day when you train people.” No, I really don’t work out all day, which is why I can only do two reps of everything for demonstration purposes only.

Anyhow, stuff like this weighted bracelet thing or extra-tight slip so you get exercise while you dick around town just seems goofy to me. But I might be biased because they use the word “buns” in the copy, as in “tighter buns.” Really? Are we in the late 70’s-early 80’s? Like, “Oh that Magnum P.I., he has such nice buns.” Ick. Gross.  But whatever, maybe you can’t live without your ass-firming slip, and it’s just one more way to get fit for you. My idea if you want to work out all damn day long is to set a timer and every hour do ten push-ups. Your office mates will love it, no one will think you are a freak at all.

Rambling also burns calories, I believe, and that is one thing I practice often.