The verdict is in. I’m calling it. Two words that need to be separated in a rancorous divorce: fat and eat. As in, “I am so fat, I have to stop eating.” They get no visitation what.so.ever. It is THAT serious.

Here’s why. Last night I had dinner with Domestigal Sue, and that always promises two things: Sexiness and knowledge. Irresistible combo. I love that the naturally muscular Sue can spend time reading the NY Times while I sweat my days away at the gym like a real meat-head.

On our second round of sake she asked me if I’d heard about the stomach condom.
Ah, “the stomach what?” I shook my head side to side in disbelief. I coughed. Anyone looking at my fabulous self would have thought I was choking.

A condom for your stomach that will hold your food, instead of say, eating less. Grossly fascinating. But wait, there’s more. It is later removed through your mouth by a doctor.

The EndoBarrier™ is a gastrointestinal liner that acts as an impermeable barrier to prevent food from coming in contact with the wall of the intestine. This may have an effect on the patient's uptake of both nutrients and calories. It may also have a metabolic effect that is similar to Roux-en-Y gastric bypass surgery, which produces significant weight loss and resolution of type 2 diabetes. However, the EndoBarrier™ is placed and removed endoscopically. As with many endoscopic procedures, the EndoBarrier™ may provide a safer alternative with more rapid recovery and lower costs.

Why is this satisfactory? As obesity increasingly becomes the norm, society has grown too accepting. Perhaps what is lacking is the same thing that helped smokers lose their butts: a healthy dose of social stigma. If only there were more shame in being fat, maybe more people would be motivated to lose weight? I dunno. It’s just a thought.

Last week, a letter published in the Lancet noted that fat asses contribute more than their thinner compatriots to food scarcity and global warming, given that they eat more and require more transportation energy to move themselves around.

I went over my library, er, google and did some research. It rendered 386,000 results for “fat people cause global warming”.

In my opinion, the obese could use some blame, or responsibility, not a solution to be more of glutton. I mean, am I way off course here?

Why or, why not? For starters, the warnings scare me—heart attacks, anxiety, death. I love my life and this journey I am on and can’t imagine it being cut short by diet supplements. I’d rather be f**king fat and die of a heart attack the good ole fashion way. And that’s the truth.

Want more truth? I took two supplements once and went on my way to work, looking cute as a button. Then, as I was waiting for the subway something started to happen. I became angry and anxious. I began to shake, followed by an upset stomach. If that wasn’t enough I started sweating like a crackhead that just had a hit. At least I assumed that’s what it feels like without the high. I didn’t eat that entire day because I wasn’t hungry…not eating felt like an accomplishment. Zero calories = no fat ass.

I decided the next day to try taking my supplements with food. Better. More importantly, I didn’t eat! Five days later, 3 pounds lighter and no sleep (another side effect), I looked like a full blown zombie-crackhead. If you’ve ever seen one of those, then you know how hideous and scary they look. I was also crazier than ever. Somehow, I was also accused of being, er… super annoying. I had to end the madness.

Pros: None whatsoever. Whatever weight you lose comes right back.

Cons: Diet supplements, both over-the-counter and prescription can cause the following: nervousness, restlessness, insomnia, high blood pressure, fatigue and hyperactivity, heart arrhythmia and palpitations, congestive heart failure or heart attack, stroke, headaches, dry mouth, vomiting and diarrhea or constipation, intestinal disturbances, tightness in chest, tingling in extremities, excessive perspiration, dizziness, disruption in menstrual cycle, change in libido, hair loss, blurred vision, fever and urinary tract problems. Overdoses can cause tremors, confusion, hallucinations, shallow breathing, renal failure, heart attack and convulsions.

It’s just not worth it.