Quiz time! How long does it takes to see significant physical changes through diet and exercise? No, not two weeks, or three. Or five. There is lots of equipment, gadgets, programs, gyms and trainers out there who promise that in six or eight short weeks, you too can remake your body completely. I mean, just follow the simple, fun, and effective steps outlined and watch the pounds melt away and the muscles will emerge until you look so goddamn good, you’ll be a physical specimen to behold, right? Right?

Um, fuck no.

Well, how about maybe you can. It really depends. You might be a genetic outlier, one of those people who sees instant results when you engage in some physical activity, say, like me…not to brag, but because it is my blog…

Or perhaps you will follow a program that has such a drastic regimen, you’ll immediately drop weight like nobody’s business. (Keep it off? That’s another story.) Or maybe you’ll develop a big old meth habit or get a nasty disease and not eat for a week and that will make you skinny. Oh please let me get a parasitic worm from that local watering hole so I can be thin! I mean, it could all happen.

But folks, you’d be better off thinking six months to a year for big changes.

And this is why when people start training with me and they say,

“I have such-and-such event in a month and a half—will I be near my goal of losing 100 pounds and looking awesome by then?”

or,

“How long will it take for me to be where I want to be?”

I say, “you should probably think in three-month increments, and by that I mean you’ll likely feel different in three months, and then wait at least another three before you start assessing your body, but really, this shit is for the long haul.”

I’m just not going to promise something like that and put anyone on a 1,400 calorie diet and then make them think they failed if they can’t do what I frankly wouldn’t do myself and what I wouldn’t risk for anyone, considering what it could possibly do to long-term health. I give the best workouts I can, and I hope people will develop affection for this exercise stuff in a love-hate way, and I always secretly hope people will find their inner badass and be better for it, but I’m plumb out of pipe dreams, I smoked them all myself that one year I was in college before I dropped out.

“But wait!” you say. (Just say it so I can keep writing) “I know someone who lost 20 pounds in two weeks/I had instant success before on x program/ The infomercial promised it would work in six weeks with a money-back guarantee. What about that, huh?”

No.

I know this is supposed to be devastating news and all, because we like immediate results, myself included. I’m very big on instant gratification.  Sigh.  And the prospect of a whole year of eating a stringent diet and exercising vigorously sounds so baaaad, it’s reason enough to not even start.

But the message today is good one, I swear.  Work hard, but be forgiving of your mess ups.  Look at the long rong ahead and be patient…don’t forget how long it took to gain weight, it will take as long to lose it.  This sounds so lame that my hard-ass may cry true tears of lameness, but in the end, it’s all about perseverance and self love.  I just vomited in my mouth.

A guy taking off his shirt in public, a gal wearing a revealing outfit, and a fitness dork that starts her own blog are all saying…

Hey, look at me!
Over here!
I’m showing off, check me out!
Pay attention to me!

But there is a huge difference between, say me, and the shirtless guy that walked into the gym the other night looking like an overweight orangutan. And not even one of the cute ones.

I may be a showoff, but I’m no cheesy-shirtless-guy. Now, if you’re wondering if it’s ok to go shirtless if you’re all hot and buffed, the answer is no. It’s never ok. Well maybe, and the clearly defined terms in which makes this acceptable are made available below.

Shameful Shirtless Situations

Safe Shameless Shirtless Situations

You’re super hot and famous, like say Brad Pitt.

Which list did you make?