I apologize, but today’s post is just for me to read. I’ll have something for you in a few days most likely, but today I need to talk to my own bad self. Sorry about that, but you really need to leave now.

Scoot.

Depart!

Sherika.

Sherika. Shrek. Shrek.

You had your fun and then some, but now’s the time for you to stop acting like you don’t know any better and start bringing the intensity to this journey again. It’s time to stop not working out, finding “more” important things to do (that’s not really important at all)!

Here are some inconvenient truth’s that you seem to have forgotten, my friend…

Sherika, making time for exercise is the most important thing you can do, especially when every single person in your family has dropped dead from heart disease. Exercise helps your crazy neurotic brain settle down and helps you sleep. It’s a well known fact: exercise makes me nicer. I better get to it before Jay leaves and takes the lazy cats.

Quiz time! How long does it takes to see significant physical changes through diet and exercise? No, not two weeks, or three. Or five. There is lots of equipment, gadgets, programs, gyms and trainers out there who promise that in six or eight short weeks, you too can remake your body completely. I mean, just follow the simple, fun, and effective steps outlined and watch the pounds melt away and the muscles will emerge until you look so goddamn good, you’ll be a physical specimen to behold, right? Right?

Um, fuck no.

Well, how about maybe you can. It really depends. You might be a genetic outlier, one of those people who sees instant results when you engage in some physical activity, say, like me…not to brag, but because it is my blog…

Or perhaps you will follow a program that has such a drastic regimen, you’ll immediately drop weight like nobody’s business. (Keep it off? That’s another story.) Or maybe you’ll develop a big old meth habit or get a nasty disease and not eat for a week and that will make you skinny. Oh please let me get a parasitic worm from that local watering hole so I can be thin! I mean, it could all happen.

But folks, you’d be better off thinking six months to a year for big changes.

And this is why when people start training with me and they say,

“I have such-and-such event in a month and a half—will I be near my goal of losing 100 pounds and looking awesome by then?”

or,

“How long will it take for me to be where I want to be?”

I say, “you should probably think in three-month increments, and by that I mean you’ll likely feel different in three months, and then wait at least another three before you start assessing your body, but really, this shit is for the long haul.”

I’m just not going to promise something like that and put anyone on a 1,400 calorie diet and then make them think they failed if they can’t do what I frankly wouldn’t do myself and what I wouldn’t risk for anyone, considering what it could possibly do to long-term health. I give the best workouts I can, and I hope people will develop affection for this exercise stuff in a love-hate way, and I always secretly hope people will find their inner badass and be better for it, but I’m plumb out of pipe dreams, I smoked them all myself that one year I was in college before I dropped out.

“But wait!” you say. (Just say it so I can keep writing) “I know someone who lost 20 pounds in two weeks/I had instant success before on x program/ The infomercial promised it would work in six weeks with a money-back guarantee. What about that, huh?”

No.

I know this is supposed to be devastating news and all, because we like immediate results, myself included. I’m very big on instant gratification.  Sigh.  And the prospect of a whole year of eating a stringent diet and exercising vigorously sounds so baaaad, it’s reason enough to not even start.

But the message today is good one, I swear.  Work hard, but be forgiving of your mess ups.  Look at the long rong ahead and be patient…don’t forget how long it took to gain weight, it will take as long to lose it.  This sounds so lame that my hard-ass may cry true tears of lameness, but in the end, it’s all about perseverance and self love.  I just vomited in my mouth.

Looking to do your part for the world while staying fit? Supporting a worthy cause and staying fit can be as easy as putting one foot in front of the other when you sign up for a charity walk!

Here are five steps to help you successfully stroll your way through your charity walk:

Seek out a charity
Maybe you want to help support research for curing an ailment of a family member or friend. There are walks that support just about every cause. Here are a few examples (and how to find them online):

* Asthma (www.lungusa.org)
* Breast cancer (www.walk.avonfoundation.org)
* Mental illness (www.nami.org)
* Leukemia and lymphoma (www.teamintraining.org)
* Diabetes (www.stepout.diabetes.org)
* Arthritis (www.arthritis.org)
* Cancer (www.cancer.org)

In addition to such national charities, local organizations often sponsor walks. A good place to start your search is www.active.com, which lists dates, distances, and registration requirements for thousands of charity walks.

Gauge your goal
Figure out what you want to get out of the event. Is your aim to participate in a fun, social event with friends, or are you using the walk as a fitness goal? For fun seekers, aim for shorter events, such as 1 mile or, at the most, a 5-K. If your primary motivation is fitness, look for longer events such as a 10-K or a half marathon if you have the time and persistence to train.

Find your fitness
Especially if you’re aiming for longer events, you need to figure out how far you’re capable of walking. For example, can you walk continuously for 30 minutes? I would recommend being able to walk the following amount of time for event distances:

If you plan for this distance — You should be able to walk this long beforehand
1 mile — 15–20 minutes
5-K — 30–45 minutes
10-K — 75–90 minutes
13 miles (half marathon) — 3 hours
26 miles (marathon) — 5 hours

Build endurance
When training for an event, remember this basic rule for preparation: The longer the event, the further ahead you need to plan. For example, if you’ll be walking a half marathon, you need about three months to work up to that distance. For a full marathon, start six months or longer before the event.

Plan on prep
To prepare for an event, you should count on the amount of time needed. Once you know how far before an event to start your training, you can create a weekly training plan. Your training schedule can be as simple as marks on a calendar in your kitchen or as thorough as a training log to record what you eat, along with distances and time walked. The number of days a week you should plan to walk varies with the distance of your event. For a 5-K event, plan to walk three days a week; for a 10-K, shoot for four or five days; half marathon, five days a week; and a marathon, put in six days a week to ensure you’re ready for that distance.

I love Starbucks because I am cheap. Don’t think that I’m dumb for such making such a statement, it’s true. My other cheap and wise friend, we’ll call her Ms. Frugal, shared this secret with me — if you take your empty cup to Starbucks you can get a refill for fifty-four cents. 54 cents people!!

I sat down and calculated all the money I could have saved while working at my lame office job, the one where the office was filled with annoying losers that talked about their lame-ass weekends on speakerphone, the dumb secretary that spent a year’s salary on Prada shoes and thought I could see past her cankles, yeah, that office. I purchased a $2.50 cup of coffee everyday for at least 3 years.

In addition to all the bucks you will save, you will do our earth some good by reusing your cup.

Here are some facts about coffee:
At least six studies indicate that people who drink coffee on a regular basis are up to 80% less likely to develop Parkinson’s;

Coffee is known to lower your risk of diabetes, Parkinson’s disease, and colon cancer. It can also treat headaches and lift your mood. The next time someone in your office acts like a bitch, buy them a refill [using your old cup] and refer them to this article.